Christmas time, is an amazing time, where people get together, to laugh, to eat, to simply be together. But there’s something that’s just not okay enough for me to believe that it could possibly be something real. I laugh, I eat, I’m alive for the most part, so what does it have to do with green and red colours.
I’m not a pessimists around this holiday, I just need to be clear about it. It isn’t right nor is there something wrong, but the power and effect it can have is profound enough for me to want to be clear and see more truthfully what this time really has to offer.
If this is the time where its meant to be for giving, could I give to you my forgiveness? And would I be willing to receive yours whole heartedly. And if I could give you something that really meant something to you, would I bother to even write it on a cardboard card. I’d want to stop you in your shoes and hold you by your shoulders and shake you once or twice and look at you with a sense of urgency and desire to express myself so fully that I end up saying nothing, and that is the extent of most of my days.
I’m pulled either way to buy you this shirt and give you these pants and I am happy to give you warmth and I see that you appreciate it. And we’ve bonded from just the simple act and the smile that follows, but like the snow after its fall, it fleets and fumbles to its distance past. What could I really give to you so forever everlasting?
I want to say that “I love you,” in its singular and plural form with overwhelming emotion of tears and joy. But quite truthfully, I don’t know how or what to do. I don’t know how because I’m still grasping hold of the life I have. If life tomorrow was a yesterday, then I’d so freely tell you all the things I’d want to say, and do all the things I’m meant to do.
Perhaps this is what it means to “seize the day”, “to live as if there was no tomorrow”. Because what if Christmas never came, would I just continue holding on to the gift to give until it did? How much longer can I hold on to anger or argue and finally gift you the surprise of love and laughter.
Baby Jesus cames to us on that special day, the gift of life so preciously contained, is also the gift of death so absently minded. I so easily forget that life and death come together like pairs of socks. That only things feel right when both are on. Thank to life of this apple, but evidently death to you, as well, so that my belly be full. Goodbye to you, a disease of death, so that life can be more easeful and free.
Give to me the gift of death of what’s not needed, so I no longer have to grab a hold onto life so strongly. I’ll never then forget of death’s potential, every moment is a dying one, what was present is now past and the future could never come. Every moment is a moment to bring to end, something that I don’t want, and bring to life a possibility. If my day is a dying day, I want to bring to end my critiquing ways and doubtful days and bring to life a baby and their wife. I no longer fear you, death, because I understand what you are here to give. You give to me what can’t be wrapped in fanciful floss or re-gifted bow tie bags. You give to me 3 gifts: a perishable prize, a pertinent push, a realful rawness with such timely presence, the lighting of a star that leads the way.
Dear death, of all things impermanent, you help me realize what it means to be living, to feel what I feel and to be what I am, in this time, all 365 days of it all, the gift of giving because that is what life just is.