In trying to bring my foot behind my head,
I’m learning to be more compassionate.
In sitting on a cushion and closing my eyes,
I’m learning that my mind has many thoughts that I don’t have any control over.
In writing entries in this blog,
I’m learning more about myself than I expected to.
There has certainly been times during the 108 days of home practice where I didn’t practice at home, I’m not gonna lie. I’ve either forgotten or was just too damn lazy or distracted. I’m also can’t hide the fact (because I’ve blogged about it) that there was a time when I threw my hands up in the air and said, “forget it, what’s the point anyways?”
What I have been so keenly reminded from fellow walkers of this path, is that when we feel we’ve veered from the path, gone backwards, and even ran in the opposite direction, that is actually when we’re given the opportunity to learn something profound about ourselves. Perhaps this is how.
I felt like the path I’ve been so focused on has suddenly changed and a dark cloud has casted overhead. I’m now lost in the woods and there’s no sign of which way is north or south, that’s when I’m screwed, I’m lost! When I’m lost in mental confusion of meaning and purpose, I am at a stand-still and I’m forced to look around, forced to look back and see where my missteps were. And sometimes these stand-stills in my practice, relationships, career can be disguised through roadblocks, periods of illness, self-doubt, hopelessness or resignation.
What it offers though is the time and chance to evaluate, is the direction I’m heading, really where I had actually intended to go. Is this the best route to take, or is there a path of lesser resistance. For all I know, the seemingly wrong turn astray, might actually be a step into the right direction. I mean, seriously, who knows where were all going when there’s no clear printed roadmap as to how to live the perfect life? Because if you’ve got a GPS system that’s guiding you, show me where I can get one, cause I’m always lost. But now I know, being lost just means I’m going places I’ve never gone before and here is an opportunity to check my internal compass and to keep on trekking, because… life is a journey (bet you’ve never heard that one)
And so, It doesn’t really matter to me where I am in my practice or in my life, up or down, lost or not, if I look hard enough, I can find a diamond in the rough. In the midst of an argument comes the opportunity for acceptance and vulnerablity. In the midst of feeling alone or longing for another person comes the opportunity to deepen the relationship with myself. In the midst of self-doubt towards my practice and teaching comes the greater realization of why I’m doing it in the first place. In the midst of making a U-turn on the path, comes the discovery of a walking stick, that offers a handle in which to hold onto, as I move forward in confidence towards the unblazed trail ahead.
Life really is just a dance, one step back, two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward. Three steps left, four steps right, four steps left, three step right. Take one giant lunge back and see what’s really on stage, shine on me the truthful spotlight, in the places where I’ve missed a step, but cue me in so I may dance again in perfect rhythm and beat. Let me take your hand so we can dance, the dance of life to the song of love, but there’ll be times I’ll stumbly step on your precious toes, but trust me if you will, the strength of my will to lift you up and spin you on your heels.