Day 84: Who knew that this blog would take me here. To be honest, because honesty is my current theme for the week, I haven’t been practicing as I have said I would. I’ve completely stopped placing energy to practicing at home, because at this moment, it doesn’t matter to me. And yes, to be truthful, this is my escape route from my word, but I am content with how my life perspective has shifted.
Are there poses that I’m able to do now that I wasn’t able to do prior to developing my home practice, absolutely! Would I have been able to do those poses if I hadn’t practiced daily but rather found space in other areas of my life,… maybe. Does creating more flexiblity in relationships help you open your hips to get into lotus pose? Does finding courage to speak your mind and express yourself give you the strength to kick up into Pincha Mayurasana? Maybe, I don’t know.
Is my asana practice progressing at a rate that is relative to how much physical effort I put into the practice? It doesn’t matter because I don’t really care anymore. I don’t care anymore not because I don’t care about my body or what I’m teaching, but its actually the complete opposite. I care about myself enough to resign from the role of the dictator and to stop forcing toothpaste out of its tube when its not ready to come out. Expectations is just a messy stain on my teeth that I can’t clean up. Its a waste of my dental and energetic resources.
Anyways, it doesn’t matter if I can get my foot behind my head by next week. But I wouldn’t be surprised if I did. Because transformation kind of happens like that. Its in the instantaneous and effortless moments. Its like kicking up into handstand in the middle of the room and you stick it for a half a second. Once that’s happened, its happened to you for life. There’s no turning back and it’ll continue to happen to you whether you’re upside down on your hands, or right side up on the top of a mountain. The moments that change my life are often unexpected, unsqueezed, unpushed, unforced, unreachable, unanalyzable, it just happens unknowingly, but secretly wishing and wanting.
Once you’ve balanced on a bike, you’ll never fall the rest of your life. Once you’ve had Revolver coffee, you’ll never have another kind the rest of your life. Once you’ve fallen in headstand, you’ll never be afraid the rest of your life. Once you’ve told someone you love them, your relationship will be transformed for the rest of your life.
My intention of course is not to bore or annoy you with this continual talk of “transformation” (although you are reading a blog that is based on that), as I honestly appreciate your readership and your willingness to know me. But I feel, quite honestly, the body of this blog is not the heart of the matter anymore, the heart of this blog is the heart of the matter, and I hope to continually share with you my heart, both on the net and off the net.